I’m working for a new start up called ShitKicker! Its works kinda like kickstarter only instead of funding people’s projects and ideas you pay them to go away, FOREVER!
Think of it. For as little as $10 you could make Sarah Palin disappear. The neat thing about ShitKicker is that the famous people you pay to go away don’t get any of the money. Nope, the money goes to our team of hard working developers. You see ShitKicker! doesn’t really make Sarah Palin go away it just eradicates her from your media devices. From your TV, I-pad, phone, social networking devices, and even your twitter feed! Of course you decide the level of obfuscation. If you still want to see hilarious Onion headlines or insults about Palin from comedians like Patton Oswalt and Loius CK only pay an extra $2.50 for our patented satire filter. Act in the next three seconds and we’ll throw in a free Kardasian filter.
“What?! You mean FOUR disgusting annoying morons, eradicated from my consciousness forever! Where do I sign up?!”
Hold on Sparky. Not only does ShitKicker! work on the global mass media scale but…
ShitKicker! also has a local setting. For those friends and neighbors or just weirdos you somehow met on the internet? Well maybe one of them (or hundreds of them) wrote a book or opened an Etsy shop and in the name of being a good friend you bought something from them. Now the sonofabitch is writing their forth book or knitting even more soap. Its no longer cute is it? And you realize you’re not supporting a friend. You are enabling an narcissistic Amway salesman. They’ll hit you up for $10-20 a year for the rest of your miserable life. What’s worse if you did buy a book or CD they’ll want “feedback”. God forbid you bought an ill fitting sweater or a hat.
Well fret no more friends! Now you can give that little artist $12 (via ShitKicker!) to go away FOREVER! Act in the next two seconds and $16 is good for a whole family of crafting monkeys! And they get to keep the money. Maybe they can take an art therapy class or get a real hobby like drinking. Who cares! You’ll never have to hear about their silly little projects again! Think of it, strolling through Vegan Indie craft organic farmer markets without worry or fear of being attacked. And all thanks to ShitKicker!
Every year I make an Easter basket full of whiskey, candy, ammo, and prophylactics. For the centerpiece I melt a little chocolate over a chocolate rabbits innocent wide eyes, giving it an evil countenance. Then I write a little story, wrap it all up, and leave the whole thing on the neighbors porch for their kids. I urge you all to join me in this tradition, teaching our children to celebrate the rebirth of the mother earth, in all her treacherous glory.
Here’ the story:
Once upon a time there were four little rabbits, and their names were
Flopsy, Mopsy, Cotton-tail,
and EVIL Peter.
They lived with their Mother in a sand-bank, underneath the root of a very big tree. “Now my dears,” said old Mrs. Rabbit one morning, “you may go into the fields, but don’t go into Mr. McGregor’s garden: your Father had an accident there; he was put in a pie by Mr. McGregor.”
“Now run along, and don’t get into mischief. I am going out.”
Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cottontail, who were good little bunnies, went to the fields to gather blackberries: But Peter, who was EVIL, ran straight away to Mr. McGregor’s garden.
Mr. McGregor was on his hands and knees planting young cabbages when he spied Peter, he ran towards him waving a rake and calling out, ‘Stop thief!’ Peter calmly leaned up against the garden shed and lit a cigarette. Mr. McGregor was less than 10 feet away when Peter leveled his shotgun. McGregor stopped dead in his tracks dropping the rake.
“How did my father taste?” said Peter.
“Wha…” said Mr. McGregor
but before he got to the ‘t’ Peter blasted him just above his left knee. McGregor’s leg exploded like a water balloon full of spagetti-os. He collapsed screaming. Peter smiled and repeated calmly.
“How did my father taste?”
McGregor reached for the rake but Peter hopped closer and fired. McGregor’s hand disappeared like a sick magic trick. Peter was on top of dear old Mr. McGregor now and he jammed the shotgun barrel in his gasping mouth.
“Now you shall have your just dessert!” roared Peter, blasting the top of Mr. McGregor’s head open like a piñata. The old man’s brains and blood splattered all over the green garden giving it a rather festive look. This pleased Peter immensely.
That evening EVIL Peter Rabbit moved Mopsy, Flopsy, Cottontail and his dear old mother from the old sandbank into the McGregor’s modest Dutch Colonial home.
Two weeks later Peter personally gunned down the head of the Gambiano family and gained control of the docks. From there putting the squeeze on the smaller local rackets and merchants was easy. Peter pretty much had the run of the whole town by the end of the month.
It’s said that EVIL Peter controlled the entire eastern seaboard when he died at the ripe old age of thirteen, which is quite old for rabbit. Legend has it that he personally killed more than one hundred men and he even got to shit in the Pope’s hat!
A Classic from Hookers or Cake… Happy Easter!
Oh internets you silly fucking whore! I’m always torn, offended by your dumb honking selfishness but thrilled with your sublime wisdom and fabulous tits. Why can’t I quit you? Why do you speak ceaselessly of television shows and artisan food stuffs and then conduct symphonic tonal odes to the beautiful awful truth. How does your shallow depth always exceed my grasp?
You’re like an old suitcase full of priceless jewels and secondhand sextoys, afloat in a Olympic pool of spaghetti-os. I know I’ll never reach you or just what the hell I would do with you even if I did, but yet here I am combing my mustache on the high dive, knowing full well that I’ll drown a horrible and ridiculous death, but alas I’m a dreamer. Lets make a fun splash splat crash. Lets fill our hands with ass and die singing.
I heard a flower dreaming
I heard an animal howling
but I didn’t see the moon
I saw my dog sleeping
in my dreams you were alive again
and I was weeping
an open window
a brightly lit room
Did I ever tell you about Heyoka? He was the old man who lived in the cellar of the house I grew up in. He had long dark hair and was mostly skin and bones. No one ever paid any attention to him and after awhile I realized that he was probably a ghost, but he never scared me.
Whenever he’d show up I was always overcome with an intense kind of happiness. Everything would became silent and the lights would get brighter and he had a kind of song, it was a hum. He always made me feel safe. Small animals would also appear, they’d grow out of the walls and graze upon the carpet and wallpaper. Heyoka would dance around backwards and do all sorts of silly things. He fit everything together for me in my head because he did everything in reverse. It was like I could finally see the whole picture, so whatever happened I saw its opposite and I knew. Whenever I was intensely alone, I would be alone with everything.
One Christmas he left me a present under the Christmas tree. It was bigger than the others and wrapped in a heavy black tar paper, the kind used to shingle roofs. I was excited to see what was in it and quickly opened it up. Inside was a smaller box covered in a thick dark blue paper and inside of it, another box wrapped in dark gray. Inside it, another box and so on and so forth… the paper and boxes continued until they were so light they were almost bright and too thin to see. I opened them all until I sat there with nothing. I was just surrounded by the endless darkening husks. The attached card read, “I live inside you now.” This of course meant that now I lived inside of him, because Heyoka said everything backwards.
And he was true to his word. I never saw him after that. But sometimes I still feel the bright and hear the hum. And looky here the tree is still full with presents. I wonder whats inside?
Are we not fucked? Slowly marinating in our own juices? The flesh isn’t weak, its just tender. A lifetime of regret, longing, and tears unspilled.
When I was older I used to break into churches. I’d fill the baptismal font with piss and leave a special offering on the altar. I’d paint the walls with goats blood. Well, really it was chicken blood. I went so far as to actually buy a goat but I became quite found of him. I named him Admiral Steve. We were kindred spirits. Admiral Steve ate whatever, shit wherever, and was always in the mood for a fight. What a blessed creature. So I used chicken blood to paint my pentagrams.
Perhaps I was mad at God, or maybe it was the Methodists.
Both had done me wrong.
These days no one cares enough to shit on a church altar. There’s too much to see, do, be in all those little electronic gadgets they hold in front of there noses. What are they looking for in those little things? Do they ever find it?
I wait in the thicket with my pail of chicken blood and fire, while the minister locks up for the night. He’s trembling, his eyes wide, furtively searching the darkness with each little twig I snap. Someday he’ll realize that I am giving him and everyone else a wonderful gift, finally a living form of darkness to fight. An admirable foe. Gods need devils. The little shits with their I-phones need to smell some real shit and rancid blood and witness for themselves the power and glory of life gone beautifully wrong. Oh, but it feels so right tonight, here naked in this church, raising hell.
”THROUGH A RAPIST’S EYES” (PLS TAKE TIME TO READ THIS. it may save a life.) Reblog this!
It seems that alot of attackers use some tactic to get away with violence. Not many people know how to take care of themselves when faced with such a
situation. Everyone should read this especially each n every girl in this world. THOUGHT THIS WAS GOOD INFO TO PASS ALONG…
FYI - Through a rapist’s eyes! A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:
1] The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle.
They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun! , braid, or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.
2] The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who’s clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing.
3] They also look for women using their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.
4] The number one place women are abducted from / attacked at is grocery store parking lots.
5] Number two is office parking lots/garages.
6] Number three is public restrooms.
7] The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don’t have to worry about getting caught.
8] If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn’t worth it because it will be time-consuming.
9] These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas,or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.
10] Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you’re not worth it.
POINTS THAT WE SHOULD REMEMBER:
1] If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk:
can’t believe it is so cold out here, we’re in for a bad winter. Now that you’ve seen their faces and could identify them in a line- up, you lose appeal as a target.
2] If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they’d leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would
not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.
3] If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yelling I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.
4] If someone grabs you, you can’t beat them with strength but you can do it by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and
armpit or in the upper inner thigh - HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it really hurts.
5] After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy’s parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you’ll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our
instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause him a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and he’s out of there.
6] When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using
much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.
7] Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don’t dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel
little silly at the time, but you’d feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.
FINALLY, PLEASE REMEMBER THESE AS WELL ….
I know you are smart enough to know these pointers but there will be some, where you will go “hmm I must remember that” After reading forward it to someone you care about, never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.
1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do it.
2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans : if a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you…. chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or
purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won’t see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping,eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON’T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side,put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU CLOSE the DOORS , LEAVE.
5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
a. Be aware: look around your car as someone may be
hiding at the passenger side , peek into your car, inside the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. ( DO THIS TOO BEFORE RIDING A TAXI CAB) .
b. If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
c. Look at the car parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked “for help” into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it’s better safe than sorry.
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT NOT REBLOGGING THIS! IT COULD ACTUALLY SAVE A LIFE.
There’s also a trick where you cup your hand/palm and slam it as hard as you can against the assaulter/rapists ear. It throws them off balance and it’ll give you time to run away. Saved me.
this is actually really good information though omg :/
reblogging this everytime it comes up.
Absolutely terrible that stuff like this even needs to be written. What the fuck is wrong with men?
Have a safe Halloween
I don’t post a lot if stuff like this, but I feel like this is really important.